I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
