How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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