We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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