Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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