I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
