Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
