mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
