Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
