so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
