How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
