good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.