and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dating After Heartbreak
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?