So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
