I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
