Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
