I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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