So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize