we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
