mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
