I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
