Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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