Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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