I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
