I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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