And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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