Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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