Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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