Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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