I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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