Welp...herpes.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
