I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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