he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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