I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
