I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
