Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
