her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
