I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
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So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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