She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Your cock deserves a montage
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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