im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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