All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
