First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
