my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
