My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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