I'm jealous of your bromance
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
