I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
