Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.