Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
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You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
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Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.