So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
