You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
