as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
