Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
