i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
