We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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