If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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