Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
