i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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